The Banker 02

This week The Banker has been written by Henry Dale...

Some Positives... Bankers weren't entirely routed last weekend (although you'd be forgiven for missing it), a handful of teams did pick up points! Our Ladies 3s survived the fists and elbows of Barnsley 1s to end the game with a 0-0 draw, a remarkable achievement given the “20 million short-corners” awarded to the opposition (exaggerating, Iona?) and Lost getting lost. Our two other successes came from the Men's 4s and 5s, both winning their games 4-1. The 5s bravely took on bottom of the league Slazengers 3s who, as Vice-Captain Chris Thomas points out, had a number of younger players who hadn't yet learned to tackle. Their game also marked a hat-trick for Rawhide who must now be taking an unassailable lead as top goal scorer in the club. Younger, fitter players take note. The 4s played Rotherham 2s who, while dangerous on the break, lacked composure throughout the game and saw their goal peppered by Jacob D'Souza, Blonde Bear, Danjo, and mystery man, Stevie G. Jacob in particular had a strong game, subduing Rotherham's defence with his pace and aggression, and the occasional lethal reverse strike on goal.

Let's talk about the losses. All the losses. The Ladies 2s lost 0-2 to Harrogate 3s, largely owing to lackadaisical Jill who had missed her morning coffee. Usually a reliable workhorse for any side, she was unable to even operate a coffee machine effectively in her decaffeinated state, merrily securing DoD. A closely fought game though some gratitude has been expressed to SUBHC Men's 1s for shouting “foot,” leading to a Harrogate short for the final goal. The Ladies 1s lost 0-2 to Boston Spa 1s, though as a bellwether for the league we can expect some victories for the Ladies 1s soon. Broken down by shorts and a Boston Spa dragflick, the ladies fully intend on developing their own dragflick routine and can therefore expect a master-class in flicking next week (any takers?). For an interesting read see Mole's match report for the Men's 7s, transforming the gentlemanly sport of hockey into an epic quest to slay some Huddersfield Dragons. Allusions to Machiavelli and the deification of Simon Yates cannot, sadly, disguise a 0-5 loss to Huddersfield Dragons 3s. Absent match reports the Men's 6s lost 0-6 to Slazengers 2s, an acceptable result considering Slazengers runaway lead in division. Meanwhile, Tom Robb's Barmy Army were trounced yet again, this time to Rotherham 1s who beat them 6-1. Hopefully this weekend will see a change of fortune for the followers of this bearded guru. The Men's 2s were dealt a similar fate against Sheffield Hallam 2s, losing 0-4, though the majority of goals were conceded within 15 minutes of the game before Bankers had time to respond. And finally, the Men's 1s lost 3-6 to Harrogate 1s, demonstrating that Bankers can in fact score goals, just slightly too few of them.

Tears and Tantrums at Training Danjo broke down, Mace threw his stick, and Studsy (presumably) spoke about shape a lot.

Everyone's favourite bogeyman appeared at the men's 3s and 4s training. No longer content with merely being a player, Syphilis took advantage of Chris Platts absence to 'assist' Rob Ward in coaching.

The words “danger” and “injury” mean nothing to this man, just as they should mean nothing to you. You're all too cowardly. If Syph wants you to look for a deflection from a chest height reverse stick shot on goal, you look for it. If Off kicks it at your knee from close range, damn right you get in the way. You wouldn't be injured if you weren't so pathetic anyway. The usually stubborn Danjo had met his match in obstinacy and found himself on the verge of tears out of fear for our well-being. Deep down he cares for each and every one of us, even Ched Evans. Having survived the ravages of Syphilis, Mace Windu had a wobble of his own. He worries his powers as a Jedi are waning and that his skill with a lightsaber is no longer quite so precise. His reasoning? He was tackled once. His response? To launch his stick 20 feet through the air and proclaim “I can't play hockey any more,” though this was not to mean early retirement as he then immediately rejoined the session. Meanwhile at the other end of the pitch the 5s to 7s got Studsied. Studsied in its common usage contains two meanings. Firstly, to be Studsied: To be subject to a rambling anecdote about the time “I threw a perfect 75 yard aerial.” Despite leaving meticulous plans for the 5 to 7s training, Fridge's hard work was undone the moment he entrusted it to Studsy who (again presumably) subjected his captive audience to a thorough Studsying.


Secondly, Speak to Henry Dale, he will explain the 2nd meaning. Joking aside, in the absence of Fridge and Chris Platts we're thankful to those who took the lead.

The Forecast All teams go out this weekend and for home support at Fortress Goodwin we start the day at 10:30am as the Men's 5s face Barnsley 1s, which should definitely be fun! At 12:00pm the Ladies 2s play Thirsk 2s in what could be a tough game for the ladies. 13:45pm is the big one and sees the Men's 1s take on Ben Rhydding, all support is welcome for what will be an intense match. Play ends from 15:15pm when the Men's 3s face an existential battle against Sheffield Hallam 3s. Elsewhere in the north of England the Ladies 3s play an undefeated Brigg 2s and the Ladies 1s make the cold journey north to play Thirsk. The Men's 7s play Wakefield, let's hope Wakefield have also forgotten how to play on a waterbase... The Men's 6s go up against Worksop in a potentially winnable game, and the Mens 4s travel to York in what could also be a victory for Bankers. Furthest away in the north of England the Men's 2s play Marton Furness in Middlesborough. After the lessons of last weekend perhaps they won't succumb to “shock” in the opening stages of the game.

A Note from the EC

The EC meet once a month to discuss the running of the club. To find out who is on the EC please see the EC Page available here.

This week the committee met on Tuesday and would like to report on the following:

  1. Thank you to the majority of members who have already paid subs/set up a payment plan with Dave Denver. Remember it is £10/£20 per match if you haven’t done so already. Please also make sure you complete the membership form which can be found here. Every member needs to have done this!

  2. We have been informed that the pitch at Goodwin will close (again) after bookings on Sunday 21 October. This means we will then move to Norton - Stand by for more information.

  3. Great effort to sell all the numbers in the 100 club! Prize draw will start soon.

  4. First Fundraising on Saturday - Quiz Night! Raffle prize includes ‘win your stash’ 7pm for a 7.30pm start!

  5. Don't forget to get your new kit for the season! Information here

  6. SUBHC would like to thank all those members who were able to attend Graham’s funeral, it was a lovely service and he would’ve enjoyed everyone listening to him singing his own funeral song.

If you are interested in writing for The Banker, just get in touch with Jonny Hooton. Or send us some pictures!

© 2018 by Sheffield University Bankers Hockey Club

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