The Banker 05

The Ballad of Peter Dixon

Fridge has accused me of defamation, a charge which the club takes seriously and that I am therefore inclined to respond to. The initial statement to which Fridge responded regarded that during last week's training he had asked the 5-7s to penetrate from behind more consistently, a common tactic in hockey and one regularly practised in all-boys schools. It was then inferred that Fridge had previously had this discussion at a wedding with a vicar and had decided on a physical demonstration. The vicar, having not played hockey with the likes of Richie, Duvet or Fridge before, was stunned at the directness of the approach, though with a coy smile he then invited Fridge to give a further presentation in his hotel room. At no point was there any implication of wrongdoing on Fridge's behalf nor any suggestion of inappropriate behaviour, yet Fridge has cried defamation and attempted to tarnish the good name of Shergar in the process; a mild man of outstanding morals and judgement. The débâcle deepened as the bride herself felt it necessary to come forward in both Shergar's and the vicar's defence by quoting the phrase “Fridge just goosed a vicar!” For the purpose of this article I shall note that “goosed” in this context of course refers to imparting a lesson, usually by pressing the vital points home with a digit or two. As a coach in the club once more, the 5-7s may find themselves goosed with skill and proficiency by Fridge on a weekly basis, leaving many feeling sore on a Wednesday morning.

Aside: The club is fortunate to have such a motivated and engaging coach.

Meanwhile, Chris Platts mistakenly demonstrated 'running' to the 3s and 4s, inciting laughs and even a jeer from Danjo that he'd have time to “smoke a pipe and read a paper” before Platty had covered 5 yards, the irony being that Danjo was “buggered” and could barely cover 5 yards walking. Georges has somehow deserved another mention, having now regained his ability to aerial he can no longer count to 5, vital in a drill that included counting to 5. And finally, after reciting an anecdote about being proffered loose Bombay mix and chia seeds from the hand of a lecturer, Syph and Countryman view my offers of loose raisins with dubious intent.

Ladies 2s Win All the Marbles

With a “very excited” Coach Keys back in the saddle, the ladies 2s decided to decimate and disassemble Huddersfield Dragons 14-0. I've recently noticed that as some teams withdraw from the leagues their results are “expunged,” it would therefore be fitting to say that the ladies 2s expunged Huddersfield from the pitch, barbarically picking apart their opposition. Flush with goals let's hope the ladies capitalise on this romping performance. The ladies 1st team were equally successful last weekend, though not as ruthless as the 2s in delivery. Humoured by something about Penistone, the girls arrived at Huddersfield in high spirits ready to play their ladies 1s. Jill's match report covers the game in some detail but the end result was both a 2-0 win against a strong opposition and a brief smile from Coach Amo. Jill now has a counterpart for inevitable DoD within the ladies teams, Iona secures it again for the ladies 3s, this time for starting at the wrong end of the pitch. Expecting a young, inexperienced opposition the ladies got just that and therefore lost. The youngsters were nimble and skilful and put 5 past our women who, despite a hard work ethic, couldn't quite close in to equalise. Ladies 3s 3-5 Sheffield Hallam 4s. Chris Thomas is making a turn to the literary with his humorous collection of haikus, which actually reveal moments of play in excellent clarity, as in “red attack caught us napping.” CT gets my seal of approval and a sneaky goosing. Unfortunately for the 5s the outcome was a 1-1 draw against a beatable Sheffield Hallam 6s. JAM showed further improvements this week in their game against Lindum 4s. While the end result may have been a 2-1 loss it's a narrow scoreline against a team that now sits comfortably in the middle of their league. My peer and newcomer to hockey, Elio, informs me that he “did his first man” and then “beat him,” which must have been humiliating for the Lindum defender but a proud moment for Coach Fridge who likely saw an opportunity for a goosing. The men's 7s lost this weekend, 1-3 to Chapeltown, but Simon Yates is a winner. Hitting an early mid-life crisis he rediscovered his youth by ignominiously losing a boat race. Jaeger sealed DoD after “showing more crack than El Chapo's hillside resort” in a display of attraction signalling to a Chapeltown striker. Goosemaster Fridge lingered, disappointed when the striker calmly pulled Jaeger's shorts back up. I'll round up the higher end of the club briefly. The 4s continue to excel in their league taking one of their main contenders Driffield 2s to task with a 5-2 win. The combination of Captain Juan holding the back-line and Richard's attack-at-all-costs tactic is proving a success in their league. Meanwhile the men's 3s lost, though by a narrower margin. With a 1-0 lead at half-time against Kingston-Upon-Hull 1s Pony advised us not to get carded because, if anyone were carded, we would lose. You don't need to be a clairvoyant to see where this is going. Pony was carded and we lost. 1-2. At the top end of the club the 2s continue with the same struggle for the survival as the 3s, this time losing 3-0 to Brigg 1s. From what I hear each week shows minor improvement but not enough to break the losing spell. Unfortunately the men's 1st team also lost this weekend to Doncaster 2s 2-4, though Doncaster are a formidable opposition at all levels of the club.

The Forecast

Last weekend may have once again proved a struggle for some sides but here are the home games this weekend for those who want to support some bobbly wins. 10:15 Men's 5s vs Doncaster 5s

11:45 Ladies 1s vs Leeds Adel 1s

13:30 Men's 1s vs Stockton 1s

13:30 Men's 4s vs Acomb 1s @ Meadowhead

This weekend is spent far from home for the rest of the club. The Men's 7s play at 16:30 against Slazengers 5s, the 6s at 15:30 against Brigg 3s, the 3s at 13:30 against City of York 2s, and the 2s at 13:40 against Gateshead 1s. Elsewhere, the ladies 3s play at 15:00 in Dronfield and the 2s play Canalside Terriers at 12:00, could be a woof game! ;) Good luck!

SUBHC BEER PONG 17 NOVEMBER 2018

Join us at the DH for our highly competitive doubles and mixed doubles Beer Pong tournament! With an amazing (yet to be determined) up for grabs, as well as some sweet sweet food deals (2 pizzas for £12 and hopefully more) and drinks deals to be finalised at a later date, what more could you want?!

Alternatively, if you don’t fancy a Beer Pong, that’s cool, just come for the social!! All hosted in The Dam House from 7pm


© 2018 by Sheffield University Bankers Hockey Club

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