The Banker 08

Another WIN for the Ladies 3s seems them into the Yorkshire Cup Final - AGAIN!!!

The Confessions of Saint Downham

Before I begin, let me note that Nathan aka Tash had the misfortune of bumping into me in a steam room on Monday evening. Let me further note that she committed the cardinal sin of leaving the door open and then passing the buck onto a stranger. And now...

Saintly Robert Downham has begun to treat Bankers as his own private confessional box, not-so-softly recounting tales from the wayward days of his youth all those decades ago. Several of these stories included the hijinks of identical twin brothers who, in the presence of women, were prone to competition and therefore disguise and sabotage. As a priest delivering sacrament I, unfortunately, can say no more but leave you to imagine the pranks of these two brothers.

Perhaps though, in looking to be absolved of his past crimes, Saint Downham has come to seek the counsel of those younger and less wise than himself. What are we to take away from the knowledge that his wife comes to bed dressed in... REDACTED ...Shock and awe is only one method for scoring a goal, the best players can adapt and patiently wait for the moment to strike. Take a leaf out of Mace's book, Rob, buy her flowers.

Speaking of Mace, after thoroughly roasting him the other week, has he given himself a stern word for the temper he has been displaying at training? The short answer is no. The stick has miraculously stopped leaving his hand but is instead coming into earthly contact with all the force that a man who has never lifted anything heavier than a fork loaded with pie can muster. Which reminds me, I saw Rawhide in motion at training on Tuesday night. Like a tanker set free of its moorings, improperly restrained cargo slopping and spilling as it tried to compensate for the unexpected motion, Rawhide drifted towards top D, a wicked presentiment of terror for all those who stood in his path. Stand firm and be hero, or stand aside and live to fight another day. A wise man knows when he is bested in a duel.

A final two points. I now know what Syph's idea of a good time is, so let this be guidance for all of you. Over the summer there is nothing more fun than hitting your maximum weight on a deadlift. Nothing. Don't even think about that holiday in Greece, you feeble sack of flesh. The weights are calling your name and, lost amongst the tumble and humdrum of the street, it's beginning to sound a little like “Hercules.” And lastly, I would like you all to know that the wonderful Ned appeared on my landing in fluffy bed-socks embossed with strawberries, his now notorious striped pyjama shorts, and a t-shirt imprinted with several zebras. It was mesmerising.

“Too Many Heavy Defeats in the Men's Section” That's right, Bob Hindle has noticed that we have developed a masochistic tendency for losing, with the 6s in particular submitting to Barnsley for a 10-0 whipping. The news is, of course, not all bad, and where certain teams have had meek or shaky starts to the season, some progress has been made in the face of poor availability and cruel scorelines. The Men's 7s aka the Uni 5s are beginning to hold their own thanks to an injection of strapping young lads, none of whom are particularly strapping but could claim to be young enough to run past some of the very old or very young players in their division. And so with a respectable 3-4 defeat to Rotherham 3s on Saturday they smashed Driffield 3s 4-0 on Sunday. The Men's 6s, on the other-hand, are struggling. With players being pulled both ways and new players passing through for a taster session in losing, the side is missing the chemistry that builds a winning team. The 10-0 loss to Barnsley is symptomatic of that, though it has to be said that Barnsley 1s have occasionally trashed stronger 5s and 6s sides, especially at home. At the other end of their league the Men's 5s continue to have a steady season, holding on to a core unit of players which includes the England Hockey squad member, Paul d'Spudsy. Similarly, the Men's 4s have maintained their top-half table position. After a 2 week wobble they clinched a tight game against Wakefield 3s to finish with a 2-1 victory and go into this weekend with a squad of 20 or so 4s regulars. The Magic Moloughney knows how to build a team. The Men's 2s and 3s continue to lose in style. The 2s played their nearest competitors, Morpeth Men, in a game that felt winnable right up until the moment they played and lost, though only by the narrow margin of 1-2. In Harrogate the Men's 3s adopted a new tactic of borrowing Chris Thomas as super striker, though this could not cure their woes as they went down 4-0. Unfortunately, the luck of the 2s and 3s had rubbed off onto the 1s who lost 1-0 to Bowdon, though in a league where the middle table is being closely fought over it's only a minor setback and a result not too far from the realms of the imagination. The good news for Bankers is that the ladies sides continue to do well, even with the distraction of missing sports bras, of which Hannah assures me she loses an item of clothing every day and is unconcerned by the loss.

The Ladies 1s secured a stable 2-0 win over Slazenger 1s, leading to a match report in the form of limericks from Strudders, featuring such ingenuity as “a goal from Strudderz yey, not a stolen one today,” which means that CT has a rival poet and striker in the club. The Ladies 2s played Slazengers 2s and won 6-2, in a fashion which tipsy Jill might refer to as one of the great victories in Bankers history. Finally, the Ladies 3s had a double header weekend in which they drew 1-1 on Saturday and rounded the weekend off with a 3-2 win in a cup match against old rivals Hull Hawks on Sunday. I have pressed Lost for more information on the founding of Phoenix hockey club, as their umpire kindly imparted to her, but she claims to have forgotten. Congratulations to all the Ladies sides who are carrying the men so far this season.

DON'T FORGET - Christmas Bar Crawl - 01 December from 7.30pm Starting at The Punch Bowl, Crookes

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