The Banker 14


To begin with, Happy International Women's Day; a day on which Señor Robert Downham should almost definitely be excluded from the conversation. Bankers wouldn't function without the input and organisation of several of our ladies players and, as has been the story all season, the women have suffered fewer horrible losses than the men and returned home with consistently competitive results!




The Legacy of Valentine's 2019

In Bankers, it seems, the romance never ends.

Ned continues to menace Blonde Bear with the threat of a full body “deep-heating.” He's bought additional tubes and seems fully prepared to catch Bear unawares in his birthday suit. The thought of Ned administering a deep heat rubdown could be a contender for Least Sensual Massage alongside being flayed with nettles and falling on cacti, but perhaps for Bear it's the Christmas present he's always wanted but never received.

And so, the real romance. With the hockey season almost at an end, John Shepherd has resigned himself to a season of the heart. Hold for “awwh's.” On December 1st under an overcast and weeping sky, The Shepherd, who had been banished to a viewing point near Bradford Girl's Grammar School's changing rooms, watched on as the Men's 3s were bitterly routed by Bradford. In this moment as the grey drizzle muffled his comrades cries for help, he became aware that his true calling was that of Wedding Planner par Excellence. No longer content with shouting at umpires, he shouldered the burden of admonishing caterers, tailors, musicians, vicars, graphic designers; anyone who didn't carry a whistle and three colours of card (or as Umpire Off prefers to call them lettuce, cheese, and a juicy slice of tomato). Formerly a Doctor of the Body, otherwise known as a 'doctor,' Sheps commenced his new profession with the zeal of one who wants to be a Doctor of the Soul and hasn't been seen in the vicinity of Norton since. Congratulations John and Jo on what I'm sure was a splendid wedding!

Of course, the romance train has barely left the station. As you are all no doubt aware Mr Bollock chose the February gloom to propose to one of the club's Top 5 Personalities. Top 5 you say, was it Chris Thomas? No. Despite his innate ability to monumentally screw up parallel parking and his successful completion of a pass at Tuesday's training session, Chris was not the target of Bollock's affections. Could it be... Danjo? Again, no. Although he's got a sharp wit and has made a phenomenal career out of putting his fingers in people's mouths and then extorting them for the service, it's not Danjo. You're lost and confused, I can tell, not CT, not Danjo, but what about Jonny Hirst? Sadly, no. He might be able to wrestle an oiled hog into submission and jog to work like Arnold Schwarzenegger on amphetamines, but he's not Bollock's saucy seductress. That can only leave Dad Platts, right? Wrong. If anything he'd want to trade in for the younger, sportier, still-capable-of-running model, The Real Chris Platts, but it was neither Platty or Platty that said yes. It was in fact ****** ********, fitness guru, all-round bright spark, and tireless provider of ice-packs. Fill in the asterisks/find a friend and play Hangman to discover which Top 5 Personality Bollock is engaged to. Congratulations from everyone!

Onto other topics:

I've become addicted to winning. After almost passing out from the dizzying rush of adrenaline I experienced at Halifax last week during the Men's 3s match, I've been chasing that insatiable high. From challenging OAP's at 400m sprints to humiliating my other half at Scrabble, I've done anything for a victory. Little did I know that triumph would be found in the isolated northern community of Morpeth, a town renowned for the severe curve of its railway track, being beaten 1-0 by SUBHC Men's 2s, and suffering the indignity of Ned Squire not making it to a toilet before the game (joking aside, he did in fact do it through the fence onto a notoriously severe bend of rail track). Yes, this is the incredulous news that after the Men's 3s first win of the season the previous week, the Men's 2s followed suit and comprehensively obliterated the Morpeth Men 1 goal to nil. Relegation (restructuring) is baring its teeth and widening its maw but the Bankers Boys aren't finished yet.

And finally, having not played with him I've been exposed to very little first-hand nonsense, but it's come to my attention that Heisenberg is a maestro at delivering unprompted and unwanted facts. Thanks to Heisy the Men's 1st team are now fully alert to the fact that bees will only walk upwards once they land on a person, which offers no solace to anyone whatsoever; when has anyone been less afraid of a bee on a torso than on their mouth or eyes? Not to be eclipsed as a Master of Rubbish, I informed Heisenberg that Slovenia has more bee-keepers per head of population than any other nation, roughly 1 per 200 people. Again, what use does that give a person? A knowledge that, if the beepocalypse arrives, we know who's hiding all the honey? To unleash a hitherto unknown desire to pursue their dream of being a member of Ljubljana's Rapid Bee Response Unit? Bankers is a hive of a useless information, I could drone on all day. Get it.


Actual News

The EoSM pressure campaign continues. If you haven't signed up yet and happen to reading this, please do follow the link pinned to the Facebook group, and for those who have signed up it's time to start paying for those tickets! Information for payment is also in the Facebook group or it may have been sent to you by your captains via Whatsapp.

The 100 Club Results!

Congratulations to the following who have won this months hockey 100!

> 32 George Wright £50 > 57 Alan Hibbert     £30 > 95 Jill Freeman      £30

© 2018 by Sheffield University Bankers Hockey Club

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